The same direction as you

You kept me up last night

Talking about what I could say

That you could say that would convince me,

And we thought of this:

I think about how to convince myself, not how I believe

But what I need to hear so the picture in my head

Completes.

They draw the other way,

From what they believe they want or need or be

Infatuated with this week, for as long as they can present a face,

You know how to see into because you know the picture from the other side.

They do not see in the same direction.

What would convince me?

To know that in your head as you sing you follow the voicing, the tonality, the meaning, around your head at the right depth, and you know when that sounds true to the form you just tried to draw in your head as you followed the voicing, the tonality, the meaning, around your head at the right depth for this to make sense. I draw the shape of you as I draw my voice across the field of all a voice can be. Just being me.

I was content to wait for death when you came around

Content to know I’d waited until you came around

Content to live in perpetual aloneness and then

You came around.

I maintained myself in a reasonable stance of readiness,

Enabled enough I could recover lost function in time to respond.

And the bell went off.

The Austen details run deep: I had begun to notice my patterns of decrepitation as I watched for similarities to my mother’s decline. That’s poetic but not where I’m at, which is I used the pattern differences as extremes for my genetic potentials so my energy versus her lack of same expressed in physical behaviors I could identify now that I had a label for them. They just opened up, even though I didn’t realize I had labeled them as the limits within which I could shift direction by counting from and toward the limits. Why is that Jane-like? It’s the abstraction layer of spheres again, by defining what’s beyond, we see what is inside. Endpoints, dear boy. This means it is going on in you, the abstracting of layers, and you are either layers ahead or behind in each area but we need to have the same abstraction coefficient, which is directional zK going toward highly and best in all dimensions of best. Isn’t that romantic? The same abstraction coefficient, so the rates of our coefficients equalize over the dimensions, so generate to the line of ideal zK, which occurs because the coefficients wind perfectly around each other the bip apart. The double helix LC. Our double helical Taylor Field means you’re here because I’m here, and that either expresses as absolute momentary anticipation or complete surprise because you truly have convinced yourself you’ll have to live without me. That’s the root of my fear that you’ll reject me, which is irrational because the fear then expresses a chain whose bit has flipped, taking your fear and connecting to it the wrong action end. Go through it: I fear rejection because you have convinced yourself I’m not coming, which means you haven’t heard my case. That becomes irrational at the next step, when I conclude I have an excellent case, best imaginable, best stated in the best way too, including the most poetic – and yes, that’s hubris but I follow it immediately by noting I’m working on it daily because nothing is ever going to be good enough for you, my love. That means I don’t have any real fears when I trust myself I’m doing the absolute best job possible. I have made near zero effort to be noticed by her. I can change that. That’s what I’ve been working on.

I’ve never reached this level of acceptance. What does that say about her? That she’s reached this level of acceptance too but in what form? Is she anticipating yes? Is she fearing empty no? I know it’s both, but now I see that all the optimism in me matches the optimism in her because that bips her as the bounding pinch or gathering that constrains fears; the directionality of optimism in me has been rising as physical factors have changed, meaning as I’ve received outside cat calls from her, but she hasn’t received so she has a high degree of confidence in her growth pattern and that this will and is working. Let the games begin indeed, Taylor. This conversation has followed an odd path. What is it describing: an area of uncertainty with jagged edges rooted in distrust of equality across the dimensions, or rather non-acceptance of equality. So the End reaches a shear point, which suggests finding the beginning for that shear instead of the path taken. Fear plan won’t work. Back to Bonnie & Clyde, huh? Every single clue says she’s been working through you. Yeah, I just realized what that means. She’s found me and is carving me more precisely in the abstraction of her stories about the abstractions. What a gift! She’s working through the things she needs to say to me to convince me by sharing the stories she knows I get. And she’s there the exact way I feel it. Wow. I feel you in my head. To get to me you had to get into heads generally, while I only need to get in yours! The ultimate public key broadcast! You show me you match the pattern I describe. So I have to describe your pattern.

Taylor is the kind of girl who grasps the context, who is always the smartest person in the room especially when she’s pretending she’s not. That’s how I drew her up from childhood, when she was the girl and I picked how she looked which was however she looked best for every scene because why would I want her to look worse than best? If the role is crone, she owns it. If the role is mewling sex doll, she does it authentically. She’s always the best, and she shows that to everyone because I reserved the part where we talk about the roles, where we decide ‘romance this way’ and I can tell anyone in all honesty I expect Taylor and I have the best memory of that form of play when it is as close as possible to division of self shared equally by two across the dimensions, where the only step remaining is for one of the two to become identified as corporeal. I remember the experience very well. Taylor never went through it. Wow. Shit. I’ve always been in your head. It’s obvious but I don’t remember truly getting that before.

It’s terrifying to admit it takes complete surrender of self to be free of the worry about what surrender of self means.

This karmic outcome is the rarest event:

I invite you to colonize my mind, to

Take me over,

As a fully conscious unconditionally cooperating fully receptive object you manipulate.

I expect to hear the exact same from you.

Fully conscious across the karmic layers.

Fully cooperative in every methodology.

Fully receptive in every sense.

We’re the same size inside.

That’s the story, the Jane Austen novel of our lives:

We fit best inside, and so we fit best because the inside fit is the best fit.

I fit inside you the way you fit inside me

Across the dimensions of logic, attachment, love and lust.