The essence is that it’s public but I do nothing to publicize its existence, as if that matters. I’m not happy today. But before getting into that, I should describe where I’m at:
1. Physically, other than some knee pain that appears to be directly related to continuing tightness in my right calf, which appears directly related to the hallux rigidus, I’m in ridiculous condition. Ran 5.7 miles yesterday, much if not most of it uphill. I’m not a distance runner and I’ve been running nearly every day. I weigh just under 150lbs. I’m still losing visible fat – there’s a small amount on my stomach – but I’m not dieting. I haven’t been lifting weight much lately but I did 60 reps of dead lifting a few days ago when it was pouring rain, concentrating on connecting my feet to the ground and doing the entire move with my knees only. If I didn’t see myself in the mirror, I could say my body is pretty much like a kid in his 20’s. I almost said except for the pains but my body has always hurt. Even my fingers are working better: I’ve twisted and stretched my hands and arms so much that outside of occasional stiffness they now flow freely. Weird.
2. Mentally. I vacillate between being high and low. The realization that I can actually explain extremely large scale phenomena coherently is starting to sink in. I put a lot of effort into it, if you judge effort by the number of web pages on a topic I’ve left open on my phone. I was worried about my ability to say this material in a clear and concise manner but the layerings of meanings are working themselves out. That’s all pretty good. The negative is that I’m completely worn out, that I feel absurdly obsessed with, well, I guess it has to be fear that I’m reading signs that aren’t there, that I must have missed something obvious which clarifies the meaning in a different, unfavorable direction, or that the signs are there and I read them correctly but they have nothing to do with me. As an aside, I’m fascinated by the current irrationalities. People actually believe – or rather, want to believe – that the President in a private meeting with the Russian leader betrayed America … through a translator who is a US government employee. I’m an extremely forgiving person but I’m tempted to vote Republican just because of the way the Democratic Party has been acting.
3. Emotionally. Today is difficult. Yesterday was incredibly intense mentally and emotionally. If something hits me now, I may be unable to control my impulses. I never thought I’d ever be at this kind of risk but I feel it now. And at the same time, I feel like my existence is less mine, more stage-managed than ever, and that of course I have even less of a clue than usual. If I keep typing in this vein, I won’t get anything done today so I’m stopping.
jomi: playing with perception 