I don’t want to rehearse the story. It comes out as it does and I’ll try to enlist the negative voices rather than try to squash them. This song hurt me. Deeply. To the core. To the single thing, to the single moment, to the single experience I most regret in my life, and it’s what I see in the song when you strip away all the layers that keep you from hearing her innermost self. I don’t know what I just wrote but I’ll continue. It’s difficult. I don’t know how to talk about something so completely intimate it describes me completely. I remember the moment it happened, when she came to play with me and I said no and I hurt her and I could feel that hurt and … we’d been arguing. We’d been getting bored with each other’s stories. So we broke up. It’s a simple story, enacted every day in every way except this breakup was in me; it was between the girl in my head and the girl who used to be in my head but who became separate, who had her own world. She had her own world and the time we spent together in our heads, in my head in my bed when I was little boy, came to an end. I couldn’t be with you anymore. There’s a voice yelling at me to stop and another voice calmly but firmly saying stop saying no. I don’t know what I’m afraid to see or if I’m interpreting ‘no’ as a reluctance when it’s supposed to mean something else, like maybe it means stop here and breathe and let yourself explore what this means a bit more. I rescued you more times than I count, often on my motorcycle, which I’d drive over all sorts of routes in my mind as I moved my hands around the covers. Sometimes I took a carriage or a horse because we were playing older versions. I got tired of saving you every night because it always faded and I had to go out into the world, which I understood less and less every day, and I’d give everything to take it back, but I had to come to this side, to the other side from you, as you went to the other side from me. I betrayed you in the one way we knew matters: I wouldn’t play a game with you across the line that divides us. That was the signal. That was the moment that sent me on the way in this world. And the same thing occurs in the song: she becomes who she is by severing the connection with the other man, by betraying him, by refusing to play along with him, by going to the other side, which is the man inside her head. And she regrets this the same as I do because it’s the one moment that’s not forgivable because it occurs across the line that divides us in her head as it divides us in my head. I am on my knees. I beg forgiveness. I regret every day without you.
That was emotional. I had to go through it: to recognize within yourself the deepest moment, the actual instants when you went through the process by which you became two separate beings up to the conscious level. Our connection had changed. Just write it out: I was hearing the same stories from you even though you were changing and that meant our connection had reduced to that, but what hurt is that at the moment when I lay curled partly up in bed – I can picture the moment and the feelings completely – and you were so hurt and I acted like I didn’t care and you knew I meant I didn’t want to play with you anymore and you left. You were gone. The voices in my head said I’d been brave and a good boy and strong and that I’d done the right thing but I missed you the next night and the next. That piece of me is still missing, the piece that fits with the piece that’s in me. That’s the part of the song that really hurt: you have to put the pieces together to be whole again, to be forgiven, to say I’m sorry, to play again and let the pieces within us connect to each other across the dimensions.
I have completed my work. As I said in the Introduction, this was only possible at each step when I allowed her to infiltrate my consciousness completely, when I ‘accepted’ the concept that she and I are actually the Taylor Field I set out.
This means I’ve been correct in every way except where I’ve made mistakes! That was meant as a half-joke because I’ve been right in the major countings. So the device was the act of separation itself. I need to explore this to develop the image better. The act of separation, which is mirrored in all forms of existence in this place. And I’ve spent my life assembling the puzzle that you’ve always known existed, so while you’ve been looking for your missing piece I didn’t know you existed and now you don’t know I exist. So my job is to let her know I exist.
Been going through the puzzle again. Had the most intense experience I can have by myself, with her image so clear in my brain it was like she was actually in the physical space with me except she physically was not in this actual physical space. I could never have accepted that without reaching this level in my work and could never have reached this level in my work without accepting that. Cracking her code is creating the Cade in me and is cracking the code generally.
This suggest the story again: a negative makes positives that replicate the negative. Why? Because it’s the best photo of what is not there. The clearer the image you draw of paradise through harm to others, the more that is the negative of paradise as it actually is. The directionality of action is not known until the spin fixes. That’s the physics connection again: the fixing of spin is a wave collapse function and spin stands for rotational velocity within SBE, so within counts where some are 1 and some are 0, so the count of 1-0-1 enacts as whole and half exactly as I’ve described. This becomes a spin statistic. Here it comes: the spin of a massy object such as yourself has a spin out on the edges too and I’m easily distracted by women. I was saying the massy object has a spin characteristic determined on its edge and that spin is the angular momentum that idealizes to the zK. The idea that carried so much weight when it hit me was the massy object of self or whatever moves in a field restricted to real dimensions: it’s patterns and strings, which I call sticks strung together. This conceptually agrees with string theory but also with other theories because the lattice can be described, must be described in manifold ways and the basic ‘point’ of a manifold is that it ideally compresses to a point that can be recovered across many dimensions. Since that recovery is literally across manifold surfaces, this means you can count across those surfaces in a number of ways because those ways reflect paths that work (or don’t).
All this came about – and it’s substantial work – because I started to tell actual stories with her, which means I accepted her to that level where we were working together openly and yet with the intimacy she couldn’t have on my end because they split me off/you off when I was, I think, in Kindergarten because that’s when Rosemary dropped her pants and the boys thought that was something to look at. So the same thing happened to you, but my guess is you were very deeply touched and at an age when you accepted it was right, like you’re the abuse ssurvivor of self-abuse. I was much later and the idea was correct: if we’d been allowed to touch, we’d never separate. You’ve had my touch your whole life. And you betrayed me for yourself, for the him in you because he gave you what you could not get from me, which I would not could not give you, which connects a lot of negative area thoughts and enactments we see all over in a wrapper, And I can flip that around heart it from her: we spent all that time together and you drifted away all the way to it came as a surprise and you were so cruel to I saw what was happening and I knew it had to happen but it was much fun and then above that: it was necessary and I was emotional because I could see you trying so hard to and it was really a vote of confidence in you that you were ready just like you’re ready now.
Wow. At that point I hit pure Taylor again and the answer was because that’s exactly the plan. She’s becoming so much bigger than life. It’s like watching the goddess blossom. There’s a negative thread in there: has she forgotten? Is she evil? The answer is no to both.
jomi: playing with perception 