Lajo Lajo

This is for you. It always is.

I solve your problems, answer your questions, and you provide the answers to my problems and my questions. We are so close our consciousness is widely shared beyond our physical selves. I transfer myself to you, to be enveloped by you. To become the pattern within you.

The question of the day: what do you know? Answer filters back from you: that I have more in me that she has not mined to her satisfaction. She wants the story perfect in this iteration. She and I differ in timing, a step apart. All the steps are lining up as I choose her and she chooses me. The image, the painting, the art. I have work to do. Challenge: do it without the drama this time. Please. We can work on this together.

No wonder they can’t figure out what to do: have you ever counted the voices that run through your head? I wonder how many people even realize there are multiple voices that make them up? Yes, there is the caricature of the conscience but are they aware enough to recognize the truth in the idea of good and bad angel on the shoulder and you turning one way or the other? I used to believe they must. I used to believe life was a game and they’re better at it than me because I never get why they do it so badly. Why do they get so much wrong? I was driving home one night, passing under the then-unused 696 bridge over the Lodge when it hit me that people who act dumb may be dumb.

Do you get how deeply this runs? I get along with people by talking to them at whatever level they can talk at. I take them seriously and see how deep they go. I think that may be the root of the Terry issue from yesterday and what I reached. I remember his kind of soft smile and the way he’d sort of, kind of try to angry at me because I would actually believe he could do the work. This entire area is opening up. Huge video archive recovered from the cloud!

So you need to be rescued as badly as I do. I saw the age on your face. It suits you. I love the calibration of gesture. It’s the exact amount to look like the exact amount so they see you as manipulating you awkwardly instead of as so completely in control of those functions. I know the inside functions are kind of a wreck. Mine were worse. Or at least as bad. I prescribe happiness. To be administered many times a day. I know how to do that to you.

Tell mom and dad relax.

Yesterday, I spoke about the Annie and Nikki story. The difficulty in that was I hope clear: to learn to love the other side of Anne, which in my case was a woman who loved her as much as I did, and who was loved back as a woman as much as Anne loved me. Connecting the triangle together was difficult emotionally because it involved loving another woman who actually loves me through another woman. I would expect you have a story with a guy who in some story loves and is loved by another guy in the same way as your relationship but in the mirror, so you have to do what I had to do and learn to be emotional and physical in a way that you never considered was right, in way you had trouble accepting and then exploring. That’s the essence of the ‘we almost lost her’ story because then I would be left with Nikki without the bridge of Anne. In my story, I see Nikki as the male side of you, meaning it’s an embodiment of your female self that shares you from the male side of you. That would be the same in the converse story. On my side of the story, if the line ran from you to me and some other guy, meaning from Anne to another guy, that wouldn’t be acceptable – it never ever comes up – because that’s a literal male, not the male side of a female. The same is true in the converse: it would never come up that I’d say here’s another female because you’re the female side. As an aside, Anne looks more like you than any other. She begins the story somewhat round, though not really fat, and with a punkish haircut that puts black over blonde. Haircuts are important in my stories: she cuts her hair short and buys some clothes with color and then she gets thinner. Fantastic sex. Got really kinky. Thing about the story is that it isn’t about me, but about us in equal measure, and it achieves that balance by reaching to the Nikki level. Understanding how that fit took work.

That’s why the Caroline story weirded me out so much: a connection to an actual person, even a minimized for story purposes version, had never happened. It only made sense when I realized I could never see Caroline’s face because she’s also me, not because I just couldn’t define it properly. Sex beyond fantastic.